Funny Status Messages

   Of all your flaws, the one that allows you to like me, is my favorite.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   It's time for a Civil war to overthrow the legal government to install the leader demanded by the mob. Ya ... That's the ticket.

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.

   My neighbor finally put up his #Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”