Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   Trump 2024

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.