Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that makes a huge difference.

   Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the damn break room vending machine.

   Warning! If you get a link that says "Justin Barber sings Christmas carols" Don't open it! It's Justin Barber singing Christmas carols.

   All my post were removed, because someone took A Fence

   Not a lot of great things listed in Craigslist free section today. Unless any of you guys would like a slightly used mattress for Christmas?

   CUNT !

   My new home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   If I weigh 99 pounds and I eat 1 pound of nachos, am I 1percent nacho?

   Just checked my bank account. And it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   Facebook keeps notifying me about people's birthdays like I bake cakes or something.

   On the bright side, at least Canada & Greenland will know when the country of idiots plan to invade them 🤣

   That Mexican Navy ship that crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge? That's what they get for shorting me a Soft Taco Supreme that time at Taco Bell.

   Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.

   I tried to find powdered eggs for a camping trip. None to be found anywhere. I found out powdered chickens are on strike.

   Sometimes, I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked 'wonderful tonight', or if it was the 15th outfit she tried on and he just wanted to get to the party and get a drink. 🤔🎸😂

   August is almost over. Tomorrow is September 1st. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependants in.

   Flooding in the Carolinas is God's wrath on New York/New Jersey transplants for thinking they can assimilate with hillbillies.

   If you unfriend me and then later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee.