Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room

   If you puncture a hole in a garbage bag in order to roll down your window, you might be a redneck

   My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.

   If it ain't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?

   Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating

   Maybe we need a wall along the gulf coast!!

   I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!

   Did the kid who was voted most likely to succeed back in high school...succeeded yet?

   Who loves you more; your wife or your dog? Try this test: Lock both of them in the basement for 24 hours. The next day when you open the door, which one will be happy to see you? There's your answer.

   Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!

   It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.