Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment 
Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.
A hangover is just the body's special way of telling you ... your an idiot.
If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.
Amazing how much sex you don't get when you wear a denim shirt.
I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra
Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.
For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸
Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛
If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."
Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.
Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather
forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one
I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.
(eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb! 