Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Winter is Coming" -Melania Trump

   May I have your attention please. May I have your attention. Will all Bernie supporters form a SINGLE FILE line and follow Chet Lemming to the safe place room. Please move QUIETLY

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Even Donald Trump's previous marriages lasted longer than Brock Turner's prison sentence.

   Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.

   My No 1 Resolution for 2020.. Only eat white snow.

   What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1

   Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.

   I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.

   I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.

   As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.

   Drag my name through the mud and I will still come out clean.

   The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.