Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.

   I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.

   I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.

   A bachelor dates 20 hot girls all at the same time, and they are all good with this, and they call it a "reality show."

   Why doesn't this superglue lock on things tightly like it does its own cap?

   Hillary got rich by selling her power...Donald got rich by earning it!

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar

   Just a friendly reminder. Trump's fiscal year starts when?.... October.

   Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.

   The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.

   My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.

   Yeah, the coach doing cocaine makes the NFL look so innocent huh libtards?

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   I want to play a video game but there's no channel 3 on my computer. That's how old I am.

   I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.