Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

   If gas goes under $1.00 ima put some in the freezer.

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.

   What you need to ask yourself is… Do you really like pancakes and waffles? Or are they just a syrup delivery vehicle?

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

   my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML