Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

   I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

   I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

   A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

   [inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”

   thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money

   I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

   Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

   Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.