Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.

   Q: Why there are bomb blasts in Pakistan? A: The terrorists have opted to 'work from home' policy.

   Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It's really a cold water heater.

   You know its cold outside when you trip over dog sh** instead of stepping in it.

   The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.

   Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend

   Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies

   Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through