Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else ever wonder why the game uno doesn’t have the rest of the cards in Spanish?

   I hate spelling errors. . You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

   Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?

   Scotland's in the middle of a couple's breakup and trying to figure out who they're still supposed to be friends with.

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   Assuming one is against the police when they're against police brutality is like assuming one is anti-parent when they're against child abuse.

   Skip the next 20 pages, nothing worth stealing.

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....