Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.

   I Wonder if the Bloods ever feel conflicted voting Blue?

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite Fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   What if our dreams are just us seeing what the other versions of ourselves in alternate universes are doing?

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   Ya know, people use to come to Facebook to air their dirty laundry...Now they're coming here to air themselves eating laundry pods...The irony!!

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too

   If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.