Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs?

   I say, Tiffany Cormier has some pretty interesting things to say.

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

   My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   Just want to wish everyone a happy new year!....in case you missed the million posts before this one saying the same thing.

   I tried to order plain Jello at a restaurant and it was fruitless.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.