Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.

   Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.

   ... Turns out Corporal Klinger would no longer qualify for a Section 8 Discharge in today's enlightened US Army!

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   "Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing

   Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the DNC?

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?

   Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."