One Funny Status Messages

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   And the Lord said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life..." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   Honk, if you want to see my finger!

   Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   i have nothing against god, it's just his fan club that i'm against

   I had a life once. Now I have an internet connection and a Mac book.