Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump and Spicerhave spent the last two months with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

   Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.

   My toddler just demonstrated far superior negotiation skills than the President in talking his way into a cookie before dinner.

   This just in ... aliens no longer want to be taken to our leader.

   So far the only things drained from the swamp have been truth, dignity and legislative ability. Cool hats though.

   few people know that "trump" is a Russian word meaning "tiny handed buffoon who can't close the deal."

   If Trump's nose grew every time he told a lie, Melania could wipe his nose for him in New York when he is sniffling in Washington.

   New course now available at Trump University! The Art Of The Deal: Step 1) Bargain. 2) Fail. 3) Give up. 4) Blame others. 5) Go golfing.

   "Don't be afraid to walk away. Make crazy claims you can't back up. Blame everyone else. Whine. Sit in a big truck." -- The Art of the Deal

   Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista.

   Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

   The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can.

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   Monster Nursery Rhymes: Humpty Dumpty fell off of Trump's wall and had no health insurance.

   The way Donald Trump’s season is going, he’ll have the first pick in next year’s draft.

   Trump bills Germany $300 BILLION for Nato (even though that's not how it works). Dude will try anything to recoup his Trump Steak losses.

   The leader of the Freedom Caucus confirmed to CNN today that they wouldn't vote yes because Trump didn't say "please".