Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well,, of course Sea Salt is better than regular salt cuz,, you know, ,,,, fish poop

   You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

   Scientists now say the hole in the ozone has been shrinking over the past 15 years and is no longer a problem. If Hillary won we would have been told it doubled. See why we don't trust everything we hear libtards?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon

   Trump is trying to stop Yates from testifying because the only thing he hates more than strong women are strong women who tell the truth.

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   Trump is researching if he has the power to kick Rosie O'Donnell out of the USA. Um, shouldn't he be focused on better and more important issues? He has some weird priorities.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   Trump looks like the rich dad on Law and Order whose son accidentally strangles the hooker.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth" - Trump self pep talk in the mirror every morning.