Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is totally acceptable.

   Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before

   Some people don't have issues… They have a whole subscription

   Face your life, don't Facebook your life

   The one good thing Joe Biden will experience on Inauguration Day is that he'll no longer be 2nd banana.

   Let's make humility great again.

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   every guy has got that one pair of socks with a hole and that big toe sticking out.

   The only thing to believe in is to not believe in anything.

   Cops think they are so cool, driving around in their flashy cars

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Conflicted about Dems boycotting inauguration. On one hand, Trump hasn't earned their respect. But on the other, they'll miss 3 Doors Down!

   I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!