Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks I'll be here till 11, don't forget to tip your waitress she's my only ride home.

   A man drove past my house in a van painted: come to my van for free candy. Everyone thought he was dangerous, but I got my candy eventually.... the memories

   Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!

   New Presidential Executive Order: All DNC Trolls must now only fly United Airlines

   Who remembers when we had a census of a coming ice age, so the government & EPA made all vehicles get catalitic converters that made cars get less milage & use more gas, which made more pollution so we had to stop acid rain,&ozone holes. SCIENCE RULES lol

   EPA/Science: If we dont do something about Water War, Food War, Ice Age, Acid Rain, Ozone, Over population, Solar Flares, Y2k, Cimate Change/Warming/Weather, we will be dead within 15 years.

   Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.

   Damn! Trump really hates the LGBT community. I don't remember any president openly come out as a bigot and proud of it.

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Trumps latest slogan...Make America Golf Again!

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   My inner self is in Photoshop

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.