Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.

   Cold cereal is the sweatpants of food.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.

   You're right Donald J. Trump, no one has ever asked why the Civil War happened, except for every seventh-grade teacher in America.

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   666 is no longer the number of evil. It is now 45.

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   William Henry Harrison had a better first 100 days than Trump, and he was dead for 69 of them.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   Trolls used to live under bridges...now they work for the DNC and are on the internet.

   I was planning to have my teeth polished but decided to get a tan instead.

   I don't understand why male paedophiles, who likes male children, don't consider themselves gay.

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.

   Thanks I'll be here till 11, don't forget to tip your waitress she's my only ride home.

   A man drove past my house in a van painted: come to my van for free candy. Everyone thought he was dangerous, but I got my candy eventually.... the memories

   Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!