Funny Status Messages
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Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic? 
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.
I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D
if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep
It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.
Nearly 7K people die every day in the US alone. If you aren't one of them, thank your God, STFU and keep grinding!
If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.
Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.
A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!
Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.
let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......
I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.
Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!
Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out.. 