Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 03:43 by Jiffy Pop Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....
←Rate | 05-06-2017 01:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!
←Rate | 05-05-2017 23:23 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...
←Rate | 05-05-2017 22:46 by CFanning74 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 20:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !
←Rate | 05-05-2017 16:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:54 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:29 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me and my recliner go way back.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim Comments (1)  


   messageicon Happy National Day of Predation.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 14:04 by HotTea Comments (0)  


   messageicon My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 13:35 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
←Rate | 05-05-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?
←Rate | 05-05-2017 01:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
←Rate | 05-04-2017 14:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.
←Rate | 05-04-2017 13:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.
←Rate | 05-04-2017 13:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.
←Rate | 05-04-2017 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
←Rate | 05-04-2017 13:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema
←Rate | 05-04-2017 11:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted
←Rate | 05-04-2017 11:26 Comments (2)  




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