Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 965 of 6446

Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.
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05-06-2017 03:43 by Jiffy Pop
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Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....
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05-06-2017 01:26
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not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!
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05-05-2017 23:23 by Cicci
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Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.
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05-05-2017 20:25
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Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !
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05-05-2017 16:01
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I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.
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05-05-2017 15:54 by Aerotim
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We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
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05-05-2017 15:29 by Aerotim
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Me and my recliner go way back.
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05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim
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Happy National Day of Predation.
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05-05-2017 14:04 by HotTea
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My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.

If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
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05-05-2017 09:12
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So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?
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05-05-2017 01:22
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Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
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05-04-2017 14:11
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We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.
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05-04-2017 13:57
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"The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.
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05-04-2017 13:49
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How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.
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05-04-2017 13:37
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Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
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05-04-2017 13:22
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Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema
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05-04-2017 11:30
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a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted
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05-04-2017 11:26
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