Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.

   Auto correct is my worst enema

   Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.

   Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Happy National Day of Predation.

   My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.