Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.