Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 17:57 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 14:59 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 10:30 by Barkers Comments (0)  


   messageicon Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go
←Rate | 05-07-2017 10:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon . Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Just saying
←Rate | 05-07-2017 09:23 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:55 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:53 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:51 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:49 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter
←Rate | 05-07-2017 04:05 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
←Rate | 05-06-2017 21:54 by Glenn M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
←Rate | 05-06-2017 16:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 16:00 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
←Rate | 05-06-2017 13:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option
←Rate | 05-06-2017 13:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 10:15 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar
←Rate | 05-06-2017 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 06:54 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon Auto correct is my worst enema
←Rate | 05-06-2017 04:02 Comments (0)  




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