Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   There is absolutely never a good reason to substitute "anywho", for real words like anyhow or anyways...Ever...I think I would rather listen to fingernails scratching the blackboard...

   At night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a burglar threatens me to a pillow fight.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option?

   I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   Today my virtually 3 year old daughter can unlock a mobile phone, open and close apps all by herself, at that age I ate sand !

   Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.