Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

   Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

   due to unforeseen circumstances I just quit my job as a psychic

   what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

   I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

   It's crazy how people get up at 5 am to workout. I don't even get up at 5 am to pee, I just stay there and suffer...

   I eat wheat even though I am allergic to it. You might say I'm a gluten for punishment.

   I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

   Forest Whitaker's left eye has more self-control than I do.

   The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

   This doctor is claiming he's the best surgeon of all time. He said, a few years back I was able to jam this guy's brains all back in his head after an accident, and look... Now he's president

   If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough… The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

   The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

   Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

   A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

   The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day. choose wisely.

   Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

   The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

   Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.