Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In 1963, Democrat George Wallace blocked the door to a school to prevent two Black Republicans from entering. I guess Republican is the new b lack ... Just ask Devos

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   IKEA is just adult LEGO sets

   Even Prime MInister Abe of Japan was surprised by how tiny Donald Trump's hands are, and he comes from a nation of tiny-handed people.

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   SNL just call me and asked me, If I want to play a character on the show. Apparently they are running out of characters to make fun of in Trump's cabinet

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   "I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."

   I wonder how long buffoons like Spicer and Kellyanne would last on the Apprentice?

   At our family weddings, we always watch our senile old grandpa to see what dumb thing he will do next. Now Trump fills that role for the whole country.

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   NEWS UPDATE: Donald J. Trump has dropped Mexico, China and Iran from his enemies list and added the 9th Circuit Court and Nordstrom.

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   You want to know why Trump is so pissed off? Its because the whitehouse smells like coconuts and piss.

   Lady GaGa is performing with Metallica at the Grammys. Sounds like its gonna be an hour of Trump bashing and a couple crappy songs I downloaded on napster 15 years ago.

   I was on the shopping network. corrections FoxNews. When did the WhiteHouse becomes QVC?