Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."

   And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new drink at Starbucks.

   Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   I think I just seenPodesta going down I95 in a white ford bronco

   How's that wall coming along? I hope it hasn't obstructed traffic for you guys.

   What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   They let Robocop keep his human mouth because eating pu$$y is a valuable crime-fighting technique.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog

   Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.