Funny Status Messages

   hey guys, lets see some of your best, it's so hot jokes.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   "When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....

   The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.