Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I need to ask you a serious question. GF: OK! First, let me get my mother, sister, BFF and college roommate on speakerphone!! Me: OK, why does a wool sweater shrink when you wash it but sheep don't shrink when it rains??

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   Ladies please stop editing your pictures what if you go missing how are we going to find you you look like Janet Jackson on Facebook but in person you look like Freddie Jackson

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.

   hey guys, lets see some of your best, it's so hot jokes.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."