Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 944 of 6446

I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.
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07-07-2017 23:23
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I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.
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07-07-2017 07:49 by Barber
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I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
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07-07-2017 07:02
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When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."
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07-07-2017 06:59
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Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!
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07-07-2017 06:18 by Trueman
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Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."
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07-06-2017 15:35 by Mick
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"When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN

QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
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07-06-2017 12:07
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Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....
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07-06-2017 11:42 by Zoomer
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The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
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07-06-2017 10:12
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Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.

I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?
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07-05-2017 13:37
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I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
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07-05-2017 06:41 by Truman
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Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.
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07-05-2017 02:10
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I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks
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07-04-2017 14:37
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Don't forget to proudly wave our American flags made in China today..
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07-04-2017 08:34 by JayMoney
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The media is terrible!!! They should have really help that beached whale (Christie) back into the water!! But no!! They just take pics and publish.
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07-04-2017 00:41
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The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.
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07-03-2017 14:05
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