Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   My nickname is "wind" because I blow everything.

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   Dear Misandry. At the height of women workers in WWII it was only 2.2 million out of 103 million jobs. That is 2%. We talking german or asian is a feminist lie. Learn your history.

   "A Day Without A Woman" result: 90 % of all men reported fewer headaches.

   Women went on strike today, things still got done without them.....

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   I bet toilet paper rolls in CIA offices all have the 4th Amendment printed on them.