Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 935 of 6447

Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
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08-02-2017 07:43
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Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
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08-02-2017 07:36
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Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
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08-02-2017 05:06
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The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch
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08-01-2017 11:45
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If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.
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08-01-2017 09:53
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I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
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08-01-2017 09:18
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[inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.
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08-01-2017 08:53
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I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
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08-01-2017 08:31
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
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08-01-2017 08:21
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
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08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty
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If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck
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08-01-2017 01:01 by Eddy
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That was quick. Mooch is down, and I only need one Jeff Sessions for Trump Bingo ! .
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07-31-2017 21:44
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I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
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07-31-2017 17:46
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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?
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07-31-2017 10:51
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cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!
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07-31-2017 09:52
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when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
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07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy
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