Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DOES TRUMP ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING besides watch TV, play golf and tweet?

   NBC should get Hillary Clinton to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of "Celebrity Apprentice" just to mess with Trump.

   How long before Donald Trump claims the Obama White House assassinated JFK?

   How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?

   US added 235,000 jobs in February. To be fair, most of those were fact checkers reporting on Trump.

   If Donald Trump cuts funding for Sesame Street how will he ever learn to read?

   Trump spends so much time golfing that if he doesn't qualify for the PGA Tour by the end of his presidency he's a failure.

   The only thing that could make Trump's approval rating worse would be if he joined Tinder.

   Why do we get the feeling that Melania Trump would rather stay at a crappy Holiday Inn than at the White House with Donald?

   Trump tells GOP lawmakers they need to respect the wishes of the people that got them elected. I think he means the Kremlin.

   Sean Spicer told me that my poor eating habits and lack of exercise only play a limited role in my weight gain.

   I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.

   That TP logo from the campaign seems appropriate now, given all the B S leaking out of this administration.

   Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Hey you Dummy-crats. Trump has been in office for 60 days..might as well relax you got a long time before the next election. Now go cry somewhere else.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.