Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 917 of 6447

We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.
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09-05-2017 16:51 by Jake
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The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.
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09-05-2017 15:27 by Jumanji
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2017 is turning out to be one huge waste of time.
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09-05-2017 13:48
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Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...
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09-05-2017 12:28
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They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.
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09-05-2017 11:44
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why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances
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09-05-2017 11:14 by dave
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EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!
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09-05-2017 11:10 by Fluff!!
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I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida
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09-05-2017 09:45
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Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??
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09-05-2017 08:44
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Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.
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09-05-2017 00:12 by Walter
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:) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania
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09-04-2017 21:09
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Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.
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09-04-2017 21:04
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I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.
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09-04-2017 18:26
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I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows
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09-04-2017 18:14
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[shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
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09-04-2017 16:46 by snotty
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:) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.
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09-04-2017 15:10
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Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.
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09-04-2017 13:48 by Jake
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If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.
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09-04-2017 13:08
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You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.
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09-04-2017 12:53
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I think Prince was hallucinating when he wrote "When Doves Cry". Has anyone ever actually heard a dove cry?
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09-04-2017 12:35 by Gil
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