Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   Trump spent ten minutes complaining about Pearl Harbour until an aide pulled him aside to explain that China and Japan were two different countries.

   The Chinese President accidentally called Steve Bannon "Mr. President" because all these white guys look the same.

   I think what America really wants from the Trump clan is a pillow fight between Tiffany and Ivanka, or maybe a round of jello wrestling.

   In order to keep his family involved, Trump has appointed Melania head of the Department of mining, given her background as a gold digger.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   Donald Trump's still calling the Iran deal the worst deal he's ever witnessed. Was he not there when he signed for his casinos & airline?

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.

   Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.

   The Trump administration has removed endangered species protections for parrots. Polly hates a cracker.

   To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.

   All the abortions the democrats have.. They must be aborting the good looking ones.

   Alternate use for bags - Make democrats fu.ckable