Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida

   Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??

   Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.

   :) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.

   I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.

   I think Prince was hallucinating when he wrote "When Doves Cry". Has anyone ever actually heard a dove cry?

   North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has a hydrogen bomb at breakfast, a submarine ballistic missile at lunch and has one of his uncles executed at dinner

   8 out of 10 people would rather destroy the planet than give up their jobs. Irony at its finest.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.