Funny Status Messages

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.

   Rush Limbaugh who called hurricane Irma a hoax, has evacuated his florida residence. Now why would he do that if Irma is a hoax?

   The only thing lower than don's approval raitings is his supporter's IQs

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   My sleep number is pi.

   I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?

   Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   doesn't the U.S. have missiles that can reach North Korea? #testthem

   Don’t stare directly at the hurricane without your Official 2017 Hurricane Glasses.

   When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep... not yelling and screaming like the passengers he was driving around

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.