Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs?

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".

   I just dropped a MOABM .. mother of all bowel movements

   I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....