Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat.

   ever look at somebodys feet and there toes look like Fritoes

   All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood.

   I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   And then Satan said "put the alphabet in math"

   They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust?

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose

   The pollen count is so high meth labs are busy trying to turn their meth back into Benadryl

   The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   At the end of each day life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......

   God was invented by the caveman to explain thunder and other stuff he could not explain.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   We will rock you until another one bites the dust and we are the champions.

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.