Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   O.J wants to move to Florida. Florida doesn't want him. He can move in with me, think of all the publicity I'll get. . .

   My wife is mad at me because I dropped a channel in protest of the NFL. Oh I’m keeping red zone I dropped QVC

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   Jay Z wore are Colin K jersey on SNL last night. Couldn't spell Kaepernick

   Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Caitlyn is gonna be a Tranpa.

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   When sone one yawns , do deaf people think they're screaming

   I was abducted by aliens once, but after a couple hours the Mexican landscapers let me go.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   The only reason I picked up that copy of Playboy was to read Hugh Hefner's Obit.....What Pictures???

   I hope old Hugh went out with a bang.

   BREAKING: Chicago Police Dept has replaced all sirens with the National Anthem, to force suspects to stop running and take a knee.

   I hate it when you try to stay behind someone one car-length for every 10 mph of speed like you were taught in Driver's Ed, and then some idiot pulls in front of you.

   No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.