Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   When sone one yawns , do deaf people think they're screaming

   I was abducted by aliens once, but after a couple hours the Mexican landscapers let me go.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   The only reason I picked up that copy of Playboy was to read Hugh Hefner's Obit.....What Pictures???

   I hope old Hugh went out with a bang.

   BREAKING: Chicago Police Dept has replaced all sirens with the National Anthem, to force suspects to stop running and take a knee.

   I hate it when you try to stay behind someone one car-length for every 10 mph of speed like you were taught in Driver's Ed, and then some idiot pulls in front of you.

   No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.

   Just a friendly reminder. Trump's fiscal year starts when?.... October.

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"