Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.

   Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price

   With the amount of Viagra Hugh Hefner has taken at his age, good luck closing the casket lid.

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.

   Here's an idea. While everyone is taking a knee for the National Anthem, let's stop the music and announce "Since we are all kneeling, let us pray....."

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   America. .......for the love of sanity......wake up..... your going to hell in a hand cart

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   Remember when Ivanka and Donald manufacured goods in America? Yea I don't remember that either.

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   O.J wants to move to Florida. Florida doesn't want him. He can move in with me, think of all the publicity I'll get. . .