Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.

   Here's an idea. While everyone is taking a knee for the National Anthem, let's stop the music and announce "Since we are all kneeling, let us pray....."

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   America. .......for the love of sanity......wake up..... your going to hell in a hand cart

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   Remember when Ivanka and Donald manufacured goods in America? Yea I don't remember that either.

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   O.J wants to move to Florida. Florida doesn't want him. He can move in with me, think of all the publicity I'll get. . .

   My wife is mad at me because I dropped a channel in protest of the NFL. Oh I’m keeping red zone I dropped QVC

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   Jay Z wore are Colin K jersey on SNL last night. Couldn't spell Kaepernick

   Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Caitlyn is gonna be a Tranpa.