Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.

   [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...

   if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   Relationship status: Would get in the van

   Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...