Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After three days of painful suffering and writhing in agony it finally died.

   Literally the day after the special investigation and this is found. Count your days Teabillies, back to the trailer parks you go.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge.

   They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go through life thinking we had no faults at all

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   If 007 can sport a romper who are you to judge? Goldfinger & a Romper!

   I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family

   Do they have Twitter in prison? I'm asking for a friend....

   I'm so old, I remember when being a socialist made you a Nazi or a Communist

   To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy.