Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   "You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.

   IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV

   I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.