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Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?
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05-25-2017 22:35 by
Pj
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The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
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05-25-2017 18:12 by
Pj
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Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.
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05-25-2017 18:08 by
Pj
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Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"
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05-25-2017 11:02
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So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.
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05-25-2017 08:55
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Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.
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05-25-2017 08:55
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I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.
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05-25-2017 08:55
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If coffee was a drug, my last name would be Winehouse.
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05-25-2017 08:54
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Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.
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05-25-2017 08:54
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I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."
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05-25-2017 08:48
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Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.
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05-25-2017 08:48
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My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.
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05-25-2017 08:47
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It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
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05-25-2017 08:46
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I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.
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05-25-2017 08:45
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I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.
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05-25-2017 08:45
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I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.
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05-25-2017 08:44
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Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
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05-25-2017 08:12
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Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby
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05-25-2017 02:12
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Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.
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05-25-2017 01:30
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I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.
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05-24-2017 16:54 by
pj
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