Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   " Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?"

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.

   Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute