Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and a fart.

   I'm lonelier than Colin Kaepernick at a Garth Brooks concert.

   The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.

   I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.

   Does anyone else have the urge to crank a hog when they enter a theater room?

   I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

   We all know it costs $0 to be kind. But did you also know it costs $0 to use your blinker? Don’t be a d-bag. Use your blinker.

   Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!

   Why do I have to grow up? ..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public?

   Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

   I got my Bettle Juiced at the Denver touring production of Beetlejuice.

   I love Instagram... or as it should be called, "Insecure Bimbos With Daddy Issues and No Self-Respect."

   Some day you'll go far... and I hope you stay there

   I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.

   Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.

   Remembering 911 is easy. Remembering the phone number to Luigi's Pizza and Pasta Palace is not.

   I find it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.