Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   Relationship status: Would get in the van

   Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.