Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.

   Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   I thought that noose around a mocked Obama's neck was funny too......

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.