Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 886 of 6383
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You.
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06-15-2017 17:32
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If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.
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06-15-2017 15:40 by Surhater
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You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers
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06-15-2017 00:36
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I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"
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06-14-2017 21:22
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Don't throw away your fidget spinners. Fidget spinners won't kill you. The only thing fidget spinners kill is time.
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06-14-2017 11:28
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Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.
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06-13-2017 09:38
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Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.
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06-13-2017 09:24
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Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.
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06-13-2017 09:03
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I asked Lebron James for change of a dollar... He gave me only three quarters. I told him he owed me another 25 cents. He told me he doesn't have a fourth quarter.
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06-13-2017 07:01
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Ving, my Asian friend wanted to change his name to Lee. We filled out the paperwork and went to the name change office and got in line. He got nervous and wanted to change his mind but I said "Don't stop, be Lee Ving!!"
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06-12-2017 14:05
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I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.
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06-12-2017 11:09
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It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
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06-12-2017 10:29 by Zumba Di
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The police want to interview me which is strange, I didn't even apply for a job there..
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06-12-2017 09:55 by JoeMama
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When I was 10, I was given 6 mo. to live and I refused. My mom got mad at me. Damn autocorrect. When I was 10, I was given 6 oz. of liver and I refused. My mom got mad at me.
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06-12-2017 07:39 by Fazzerino
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When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.
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06-12-2017 07:10
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My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.
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06-12-2017 07:10
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Pray for your enemies. Nothing annoys them more than that.
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06-12-2017 07:09
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Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?
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06-12-2017 07:08
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I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.
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06-12-2017 07:07
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Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.
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06-12-2017 07:07
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