Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations

   You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   "You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.

   IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV

   I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time