Funny Status Messages

   Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book

   1st of December and I already gained 3 pounds. Fml.

   You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.

   President Trump has golden hair like the Golden Child of mythic olden tales. Like, everything that he touches turns to gold. #GoldenPOTUS

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Funny how Flynn went from "lock her up" to maybe being locked up.

   Wouldn't recommend hanging up mistletoe at the office this year.

   The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.

   If white privilege exists, then why did Senator Warren have to pretend to be an Indian?

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   The Denver Broncos today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.

   Teacher said taking responsibility is key to being an adult and she asked what’s wrong today and who do we blame? Student (7th grade) - I blame all of us for Nov 8th, 2016. Sums it up right!

   Today's relationships, you can touch each other but not each others phones

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money......It doesn't buy "CLASS" no matter how many millions of it you have got

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer

   I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car

   I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.

   You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.