Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

   I think my cat is a Scientologist.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?

   When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.

   Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.

   I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.

   How 'bout that Missouri? Great role model state, eh?