Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She doesn’t need a sugar daddy, she needs a glucose guardian.

   I see that you live next door to a pilot. You know, pile it here and pile it there.

   People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.

   Good job Trump for finally denouncing the white nationalists. Now that wasn't hard, was it?

   Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.

   [Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other.

   Texas to plan another White Nationalist rally on 9/11. If this doesn't tell you the people in Texas are f-ed up, then there is no hope for you and should stop being an American all together.

   Trump doesn't have time to denounce the #$%$ but does so instantly against a CEO that withdrawals from one of his committees. If you didn't know Trump was a white supremacist before, you do now.

   Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...

   I was grocery shopping today and when I was finished I went to the checkout line. The lady at the register said "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I said "No. I was looking for a $100 bill in the Rice Krispies section I but didn't find one."

   Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.

   70% of Facebook users have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Married… LIKE if you love food.

   Everybody who hates Donald Trump is going to Hell. -Pope Francis

   hey when does special Ed classe begin this fall for you anti-trump bashers?

   If your God is totally ok with nuking an entire country but not with 2 guys marrying, you might consider exchanging that God.

   I'm really tired of every article about a woman having an opinion being accompanied by the most deranged photo of her they can find.

   (after getting stabbed by a mugger) I blame both sides for this. #trumpLogic

   You might be a trump supporter if you go to a family reunion looking for a wife.

   This planet is serious messed up. 407,000 Americans died fighting fascism in world war 2. Now Trump is disrespecting those heroes by letting Nazis match across America.

   What's better than a talking cat? A spelling bee.