Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved

   Based on my calculations, DIRECTV is gonna be short $4,294,619.62 next year with all these loyalty gifts they're giving away!

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   the key to good parenting a small boy is making him realize he doesn't have to shout because you are literally right next to him

   Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?

   Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.

   I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard

   Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over

   Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Russia’s been barred from the 2018 Winter Olympics. No word yet on whether they’ll be barred from the 2018 U.S. elections.

   Why, when you suddenly start coughing your head off, do people say "Are you alright?" Hell no I'm not alright! If I was, I wouldn't be coughing like this. Duh.

   If you have a nap just after the previous nap, is it a post nap or a whole new nap?

   I’m a go getter And right now I’m a go getter nap

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   I just found out Sarah Huckabee is married. I guess there's a lot of pathetic desperate guys out there. Yikes!

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.