Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   Help control the idiot crisis, get your democrat neutered or spayed.

   Has Mexico paid for the wall yet?

   FOX News, because conservative's balls can't lick themselves.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   I waited too long.. The stores ran out of winter solstice glasses.

   Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.

   I need to open an Electronics store and call it The Ohm Depot.

   Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

   I assume nowadays the Christmas family portrait theme involves four people staring into their electronic devices next to the Christmas tree...

   For the last time, it's called "Duct Tape"; not "Duck Tape." Now shut the fuct up already.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch

   I have nothing against exercise. I just wish people would care as much about exercising their minds as much as the do their bodies.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   I asked Santa for Hillary Clinton for Christmas, but he said “No, You’ll Shoot Her Eye Out!”

   And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight… A Merry Trumpness to All, and to All a Trump Night!

   I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

   My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   For the family portrait theme this year, it's just the four us staring into our electronic devices