Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.

   30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.

   I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

   Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...

   Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.