Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   it just me or has Aunt Jimmah lost weight?

   "Where was obama during the san francisco earthquake of 1906???" - Trump supporters

   Before you go driving thru flood water, remember water made the Grand Canyon.

   I thought Hurricane Harvey was the miss Universe thing

   See what happens when you name a hurricane after a man! He won't ask directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself!

   Trump comes to Texas and the sun immediately comes out. Amazing!

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   When my ex eats alphabet soup she chokes on the D!!!

   If two vegans had an argument, is it still beef?

   Lynn Yaeger? Never heard of him.

   Taylor Swift should have grabbed that microphone from Kanye and said "Sorry, but Martin Luther King Jr. had the best speech of all time."

   Does anyone really ever listen to the wedding march melody? Dumb dumb de dumb ...... Dumb dumb de dumb.