Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   Double negatives are a no-no.

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.

   Tom Brady woke up this morning and his deal with the debil has ended. His team is over, is wife is Rosie O'Donnell and he's developed an allergy to lobster.

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up

   When somebody asks me "What's the word?" I give them the finger because everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   In honor of the super bowl, whenever I go to poop today, i'll refer to it as "taking the browns to the super bowl"

   I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   I ordered and ate a bowl of soup at Red Bowl last night.......it made Miso sick.

   BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

   Notice the subliminal message in the Wendy's commercial her necklace reads mom.