Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.

   My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves

   Being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag

   Worlds shortest joke- "Two women are sitting quietly"

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   When a cop shoots a thug everyone blames the person. When a kid shoots a school, everyone blames the gun...

   Hey, I know. Let's make it real hard for people to murder other people.

   This program has been brought to you by Smirnoff Vodka. Smirnoff...soon to be the official drink of the USA.

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.

   I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.

   Michael Moore joined a protest against Trump colluding with Russians, and now we know the protest was organized by Russians

   No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have