Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone

   For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works.

   I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all

   Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"

   Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!