Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically

   Mind if I borrow that bikini top? I haven't flossed today.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.

   Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic

   People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa

   Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more

   Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?